Why do men struggle to seek help
Men often struggle to admit when they need help; it’s a common fact. But why is this the case? It’s not as if men aren’t aware of their emotions or even recognise them - because they do. I mean, we do.
It’s just that social norms have dictated what the ideal ‘man’ should be. A man should be: tough, stoic, independent, and unemotional. And, if you show emotion, you’re considered less of a man. It’s as if expressing feelings is seen as a sign of weakness, chipping away at your masculinity.
In today's world, as we seek greater acceptance, we have two ideological systems fighting against one another. The first is archaic social norms telling us what a man should be. The second encourages us to believe it’s okay to show emotion and that doing so doesn’t make you any less of a man.
So, when these two systems collide, men can experience inner turmoil as they struggle with conflicting expectations. It’s strange, right?
Cultural conditioning
Okay, hands up! How many times have you heard - or even told yourself - phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “boys don’t fear things”?
I know I have.
From a young age, phrases and norms such as these have been embedded into our lives, shaping who we are and who we become. It’s like someone has written rules, setting high standards that men feel compelled to live up to.
We all come from different walks of life - it’s what makes us unique. However, this cultural upbringing and societal norms can often do more harm than good, as we may have conflicting thoughts battling it out in our minds.
It’s no secret that men are less likely to ask for help than women. For instance, the NHS reports that in the UK, only 36% of those referred to NHS talking therapies are men. This insight highlights that some deep-rooted issues stop men from reaching out.
Reflection time
Now, not all men are the same. Today, we live in a world where great progress has been made in encouraging men to open up and seek help. However, these social ideals, which have been embedded in us since the dawn of time, have impacted why many men struggle to seek help and speak up.
But how do we overcome these hurdles?
Do men need to be more in tune with their emotions? Would understanding our emotions better help men realise when they need help? Or is it that we’ve just learned not to seek help due to our upbringing and cultural impact?
Take my dad, for example. He’s a very stoic, closed person who rarely shows his emotion, and there’s nothing wrong with that—that’s just him. But growing up with him, those habits were, on some level, instilled in me.
Yes, there have been a few times when I’ve seen my dad show emotion. But the only time I can truly remember seeing him cry was when his father, my grandad, passed away. Coincidentally, we were watching The Lion King on VHS as a family when I looked up and saw a tear or two trickle down his cheek during the scene where Simba loses his dad, Mufasa.
Don’t get me wrong, that scene is a powerful moment that can make anyone emotional—I still tear up when I watch it today—but that scene, on some level, helped my dad process the feelings he had at that time.
Let’s take another example. I’m British of Indian descent, and within my belief systems, I have conflicting ideologies. Culturally, I was brought up not to talk about my feelings due to social expectations and potential judgment. Socially, I was raised in a society where men are tough, stoic, independent, and unemotional. But today, we’re seeing the conversation change, encouraging men to be more open and share their feelings. This clash of systems can make navigating my emotions challenging, and it is difficult to understand how to express them. Something that’s helped is journaling.
The Impact of suppressed emotions
We’ve seen that boys are taught to suppress their emotions from a young age. And so, when we grow up as men, it's unsurprising that we may be unaware of our feelings and struggle to articulate them.
Men worry about what society will think of them. Will society look down on us for being vulnerable? Phrases like “man up" or "tough it out" don’t help and reinforce the stigma that men must always be strong.
According to the Men's Health Forum, 52% of men are concerned about taking time off work for their mental health, while 46% would be embarrassed or ashamed to tell their employer. It shows the fear and shame many men associate with seeking help.
Breaking the cycle
But what can be done?
We need to redefine what it means to be a man. And this is no easy task. It will involve challenging systems and beliefs rooted in our way of life from birth. It will be a tug-of-war between longstanding norms and the need for change. And it’s encouraging to see that work has already begun with organisations such as Mind, the NHS, and the Men's Health Forum.
As a society, we must continue encouraging men to seek help. For me, help came in the form of coaching—a safe space where I could explore my thoughts and move forward with positive actions to become a better version of myself.
For others, it might be journaling, talking to a friend or family member, or seeking therapy. One thing remains true: we need to normalise the idea that needing help is okay.
While it’s great that we’ve made some progress in breaking these norms, there's still a long way to go. And reaching out for help might feel like the hardest thing to do. It takes courage to admit you're struggling when you're accustomed to hiding your struggles.
But everyone, regardless of gender, needs support sometimes, and that’s okay. Taking that step means you're taking charge of your mental wellbeing.
So reach out to someone and ask them, “How are you doing?”